Computers Today, May 1-15, 1999, The Net

May 1-15, 1999 OFFLINE

Bugging Humour

S. Swaminathan

Let me begin with this simple question: what is the difference between a Y2K planner and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

The Effect in Heaven

St Peter was at the Pearly gates processing some new arrivals after the Year 2000 meltdown. "So why should I let you in?" St Peter asked the first man.

"I was the CEO of a large company. My efforts in raising Year 2000 awareness among my employees, fighting for budget approval and becoming personally involved in our compliance project almost saved the company from certain collapse. My dedication to the cause is documented in the many reports that..."

"Ok, ok that's enough, You can go in." St Peter said.

A second man approached. "And pray, why should you enter the Pearly gates?"

"I was a Year 2000 consultant. I dedicated the last year of my life working long hours into the night to solve computer problems. My only motivation was a desire to see us through these difficult times, to stamp out this diabolical problem and to make sure we all..."

"That will do!" St Peter called, "You may make your way through the gate please."

"Now why should I let you in?" St Peter asked the next person in the line.

"I am a lawyer. I hovered over the scrapes of society that were left after year 2000 and then swooped down like a bloodsucking vulture to pick the bones of any defenceless survivors that managed to survive the apocalypse. My only desire was to accumulate as much cash as possible."

"Hmmm," Peter thought about this for a while, before saying "Ok you can go in."

An angel watching all this from above flew over to St Peter. "Hey what did you let him in for?" he asked.

St Peter looked up. "You know, sometimes we do need to let a few of the honest ones get through too."

The Case of Three Monkeys

One day this person was walking down the street during lunch when he saw a Pet Store that had a big SALE sign on the window. Intrigued, he went inside to check it out. They had the usual-birds, dogs, cats, fish... But the one that caught his eye was these three monkeys in their cages showcased in the middle of the floor. He went up to the counter and asked about them.

"What's the deal with the monkeys?" he inquired. The owner came up and said "Ahh, you've got a good eye. They are each very special-let's start with the first one. The monkey sat quietly, picking at his fur, brushing himself and cleaning up his cage and seemed happy at the attention.

"This monkey is very talented-he can handle your office duties. He knows word processing, spreadsheets, can bang out presentations in no time and is very organised-filing is amazing."

"Wow, I had no idea," replies the customer, "How much is it for?"

"This one is $300"

"What about the others?" the customer asked. They moved on to the second monkey which seemed just a little quirky-he'd move from side to side and was a little fidgety with lots of candy bar wrappers at the bottom of the cage.

"Let me show you the next one. This monkey here is amazingly proficient in computers and programming. He can build databases, design Web pages in Java, and HTML. He knows everything about networks and can bring your whole office up to the 21st century in technology."

"Jesus, that's amazing! How much is this monkey?" asked the customer. "This one is a pretty good deal at $1,000."

Having his attention piqued, the customer wanted to know more. "Okay, what about the last monkey. How much is this one worth?"

The third monkey looked back at them and turned away disinterested. "Ahhh... this is the most expensive monkey here. This monkey is $5,000."

"Sheesh," replied the customer "I bet this one can do everything, huh?"

"Well," said the owner, "actually this monkey is always doing something and looks busy but he never really produces anything-he's a Y2K Consultant Monkey."

S. Swaminathan, technical officer with a Central Government organisation in Hyderabad

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