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A Step by Step Method Shiv Khera needs no introduction. As motivational speaker, corporate guru and consultant, he has few equals. In this special article for India Today Plus readers, he reflects on modern-day stress and other current issues involving ethics and integrity. Stress is the major problem of our times. one reason for stress, as I see it, is going against the value system. The first time you cheat or have been dishonest, your conscience is bound to trouble you. And even when you have made it a habit, a lifestyle, it will continue to make you uneasy. It is a pity, but dishonesty is considered perfectly all right by many--a way to cope with the modern times. "Do wrong, it doesn't matter, as long as you don't get caught.'' This seems to be the guiding principle. Leading to a willingness to sacrifice the nation's or the larger interests for our own. Our behaviour is a reflection of our internal state. If we are doing wrong, our conscience keeps troubling us and this reflects itself as stress. There are ways of handling stress. "Handle'' is the key word, rather than solve. We can't "solve'' every problem, but we sure can "handle'' every problem. A Step by Step Method
From my own experience as well as that of many I know, this prayer and the attitude contained in the prayer can be very energising and tension-releasing. The Second Step: Write down the problem. It crystallises the issue. Now you know clearly what you have to face. The Third Step: Next, ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Visualise it and accept it, but don't expect it. Accepting it releases the tension and gives you a burst of energy in your system. However, don't, as cautioned, expect it--you will be overwhelmed by anxiety. The Fourth Step: Find the causes. This helps in constructive problem-solving. The Final Step: Find possible solutions. And having zeroed in on the best solution, act. Action is all-important. And then move on. It is important to keep the problem in perspective. Don't blow it out of proportion. Every one has problems, how we face them distinguishes one individual from another. Circumstances don't make a man, they reveal him. Under the same set of circumstances, some people break records, others (lesser ones) break themselves. I once met Norman Vincent Peale, the legendary exponent of positive thinking. He was addressing a congregation. On how to face life's problems. He asked the persons assembled there to raise their hands if any one had a problem. Everyone did. How many want to get rid of their problems, he asked? Again, everyone raised their hands. He explained that on the way to the church, he had encountered a set of people who'd no problems and were in possession of complete peace of mind. The place where he had met these people was the cemetery a few yards away from that church. Don't be afraid of or resist a problem. A problem is a sign of life. It means we are alive, and life's chief characteristic is the existence of problems. Some stress is indeed useful: it challenges you and acts as a stimulus to great performance. However, chronic stress is bad and must be avoided at all costs because it is both physically and emotionally damaging. Another way to avoid stress, is to have realistic goals. The problem with most people who suffer stress and psychosomatic disorders, especially corporate executives, is their pursuit of unrealistic goals. Goals should be out of reach (this makes for a challenge), but not out of sight (this is demotivating and stressful). This is the crisis in many parent-child relationships in our country today. Parents have unrealistic goals and force them on their children. The reason is the competition. There are too few seats (in schools, colleges, at the workplace) being chased by too many students and aspirants. And when the child fails either to secure the seat or the job, he or she acquires an inferiority complex, given all the pressure put on him or her and all the emphasis on winning by the parents so far. Failing doesn't mean you are a failure. In a scenario where there are too few rewards and too many aspirants, failing is got to happen somewhere. But the parents' duty is to explain that failing doesn't mean that the child is a failure, and to restore his self-esteem. Another stress-handling method: forgive oneself for past mistakes. And forgive others too. Nobody's flawless and nobody's lived life without making mistakes. Guilt and resentment are the result of not forgiving oneself and can be highly stressful. And revenge is senseless: it wastes the energy we could use constructively in our own betterment. However, this doesn't mean you don't learn from the other's evil and cunning and stay on guard against him or her. Cheat me once, it's a shame on you, but if I get cheated twice (by you, the same person) shame on me. John Kennedy said: "Forgive the deed but don't forget the man.'' Also, it is important to be internally driven (and not by other people's judgements and criticism) which puts you in control of your own life. If you depend on other people's judgements you will never have balance, since there will always be people criticising or praising you, sometimes the same persons changing opinions about you. It is important to get your validation from inside about your esteem as a human being, and keep that self-esteem intact whatever the circumstances around you. And, stop pretence. This doesn't mean you go around showing your ugly side.(We all have some flaws, but we should be rectifying them, not revealing them.) It means a healthy sincerity in everything you say or do which ultimately wins you the respect of the world. And last of all, don't take everything, life itself, so seriously. There was a famous cardiologist, Dr Robert Elliott, the doctor's doctor, who travelled all over the world lecturing on stress (to the medical fraternity) and how to avoid it and the heart problems that it leads to. One day, he found himself stricken by chest pain (it turned out to be a heart attack) and that caused him to seriously retrospect on his own life. He realised that while preaching to others on how to slow down, he himself was living life in the fast lane. He had been neglecting his family and the requirements of a healthy lifestyle. His experience led him to this conclusion which contains a message for everybody: "In life, don't sweat over the small stuff. It's all small stuff.'' Ethics and Integrity My favourite and trademark saying is: "Winners don't do different things, they do things differently.'' It was born as a counter to the popular slogan: "Winning isn't everything. It is the only thing.'' This (latter) has resulted in a glorification of winning as if it were the only and most important thing in the world. This philosophy has resulted in a glorification of the killer instinct, too. The killer instinct has acquired a distorted meaning today: winning by hook or crook. This is not winning, this is cheating. Remember, it is nobler to have deserved the medal and not won it than to have got the medal and not deserved it. The true killer instinct means (a) putting in 200 per cent, not 100 per cent; and (b) cashing in on your opponent's mistakes; not cashing in on these is a mistake. Character is more important than reputation. Reputation is what others think of us, character is what we know we are. Character is what we do and are even if we knew we would not get caught. Every one is a leader. Not just the politician or the CEO. Even a housewife is a leader of her family, the children. A school teacher is leading his or her class. All these values of leadership apply, therefore, to everybody. As it is said in the Panchatantra, you've got to put the family before the individual, the group before the family, the organisation before the group and the country before the organisation. Your company's interests can't be subordinated to the country's, since only if the country is doing well, will your company stand a chance in the world market. A good leader does what is right, not what is popular. Good leaders lead and guide. Bad leaders mislead and misguide. A good leader has to be a good team player too. Both are equally important. All great leaders have an element of the rebel in them: Mahatma Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, etc. They rebelled against authority, out of a courage of conviction. However, the bad leader rebels against authority even if it's right just to gain attention. All these values exist in our culture already. And it is not as if people have lost these values and lessons or forgotten. They've just pushed it under the carpet. "I don't mind being honest, if the price is right.'' This is the philosophy today. That's why Indian business today is suffering its worst-ever crisis of credibility in the global trade scene. The same applies to the image of our country's leadership. Our values, our great heritage, haven't changed (values never change), but opinions have changed about how convenient it is to follow these values, especially that of integrity. Money talks, is the motto. But when money's doing the talking, watch out, for truth is remaining silent. If I fill my pockets today, I can face the uncertainties of tomorrow, seems to be the credo. The crisis of credibility and character we're facing is a serious matter. As the story of the boy who cried wolf too often illustrates, once a person's labelled a liar or dishonest, it's almost impossible to regain credibility. © Living Media India Ltd |
The First Step: Ask yourself: Is it a problem or an inconvenience?
Nine times out of 10 it will turn out to be an inconvenience. And so no great cause for
worry. Say the serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I
can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the
difference.'' Remember, there are many things that just cannot be changed, like parents or
skin colour. And so many other things in your life. Learn to accept these things
graciously, it will relax you; if you accept them grudgingly, it will stress you. About
the second, if you can change things, then go ahead and act. Why brood over it?