June 1, 1998

Dilip Bobb

Now, we all know that President Bill Clinton is an honourable man, even though he has literally been caught with his pants down concerning certain oral instructions he gave to his aides. His standing in world affairs is, therefore, impeachable. Which explains why his strident criticism of India's nuclear blasts have been taken seriously, even as far away as New Zealand and Australia. Despite the pressure the Oral Office has been under, he agreed to answer questions on the explosive nuclear issue. Excerpts:

Mr President, can you clarify your stand on the Indian nuclear blasts?
It's a very sad day. India is such a wonderful country and a great democracy, not as democratic as China, but it was getting there ...

But China is a communist state? How can you compare the two?
Some of my best friends are Chinese, they are always donating money for humanitarian causes, like my election campaign for instance.

That money came from the daughter of a general in the army. You don't find that strange?
Not at all. Some of my best friends have been daughters of important people. I find them very open and willing to take their licks, the kind of family values I have been trying to encourage.

Isn't your stand on India's nuclear blasts somewhat excessive?
Well, I always believe in one Big Bang. Five is a bit excessive, even I never had that experience. Think of the chain reaction it could set off. Everybody will be wanting to do it. As the world's sole superpower, only I have that freedom, it's called Executive Privilege.

So what effect do you think your actions will have on India?
I want to bring it to its knees. You see, I get a lot of pleasure out of having people down on their knees ...

Like Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones or ...?
That's the danger of proliferation. It can get out of hand.

But the British government has not followed suit, despite the special relationship. They have been comparatively silent on the issue.
There are special relationships and there are special relationships. The most special ones are where the other party don't open their mouths.

So what's the moral of the story?
The moral is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't build bombs.

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