Flipside: Table Manners

India Today
November 2, 1998

FLIPSIDE
Table Manners

Dilip Bobb

Sanctions? What Sanctions? That was the duet being sung in the immediate wake of the "Mine-is-bigger than-yours" nuclear blasts by India and Pakistan. Now, arm-twisted by the West, Islamabad and Delhi are singing a different tune. Thus, when the two sides sat around the table, there was evidence of the desire to make the sub-continent a kinder, gentler place. Here's how the talks went.

PFS (Pakistan Foreign Secretary): We are under strict instructions to show a spirit of give and take.

IFS (Indian Foreign Secretary): We have already done that. We deported one of your diplomats, you did the same.

PFS: We did that with the nuclear blasts as well. But they don't see such things as being in the right spirit of give and take. We need to give them something more concrete.

IFS: We have. We've opened a new road to allow people to travel across by bus. What more do they expect?

PFS: They say that it's not much use if we keep refusing all those visa applications. What do your masters in South Block say?

IFS: Actually, he sits in the office of the Planning Commission. That's a state secret by the way. Our foreign minister who is the prime minister, is not actually the foreign minister. That is why the de-facto foreign minister is not called by that title. We refer to him as The Interlocutor. He interlocutes quite often. They are even thinking of giving him NRI status.

PFS: What are his interlocutions for this meeting?

IFS: He says that we must abide by the Toronto Protocol.

PFS: What's that? Something like Oslo and the Middle East peace process?

IFS: Quite similar. In fact, there's nothing that illustrates the spirit of give and take better than that. Our cricket team beats yours 4-1. The next year, we lose to you by the same margin. That's the kind of spirit we need to display.

PFS: Very much like the No First Use principle.

IFS: Exactly. Now we're getting somewhere. Our Interlocutors will be pleased. That's on the cricket field, what about the battlefield?

PFS: I thought they were the same thing. What about restoring the hot line? That should keep them happy.

IFS: Not really. Your prime minister keeps changing his generals so often, we don't know who to speak to. How about a hotline between the two leaders. That should reduce tensions and keep everybody happy.

PFS: That won't work either. We tried it before and all we got was a cross connection.

IFS: Really. Who was on the end of the line?

PFS: Some lady called Jayalalitha.

Issue Contents | Write to us | Subscriptions | Syndication