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India Today, June 7, 1999
June 7, 1999

FLIPSIDE
The Loyalty Test

By Dilip Bobb

Now that the captain of the team is no longer a non-playing one and, by returning, proved that the temporary slump in performance by the rest of the players was over a silly point, it is time to ensure that the side reaches the finals without any more hiccups. The recent convulsions have proved that there are Pawar-hungry people within the organisation who, when hunger strikes, can rake up the most alien and revolting of issues. In order to forestall any such attempts in future, the party has devised a loyalty test for all its members. Here's how it reads.

Please fill in the following in triplicate on judicial stamp paper with your signature/thumb impression duly attested by the state party president, a Supreme Court judge and an Election Commissioner (except in Maharashtra and the North-east).

Q1: Do you accept Sonia Gandhi as the undisputed leader of the Congress party?
A: (tick the appropriate response)
(1) Definitely (2) Unquestionably (3) Unhesitatingly

Q2: Do you object to foreign-born nationals holding high office?
A: (1) No (2) Never (3) God forbid

Q3: Can you think of anyone else as candidate for party president? (NB: Please include foreigners).
A: (1) God (2) Ram (3) Maybe Nelson Mandela in a pinch.

Q4: Have you received any phone calls from Sharad Pawar, P.A. Sangma or Tariq Ali in the last three months?
A: If the answer is yes, move on to Question 5.

Q5: Would you rather (a) resign (b) be expelled?

Q6: Do you anticipate any feelers from the three people known as Amar, Akbar and Antony over the next three months?
A: If the answer is yes, return to Question 5.

Q7: Who is the most hated man in India?
A: (1) Sharad Pawar (2) Shoaib Akhtar (3) Mohammed Azharuddin

Q8A: Who in your opinion are the three eminent people with the requisite experience and skill to become prime minister in case Mrs Gandhi refuses to accept the job?
A: (1) Priyanka Gandhi (2) Rahul Gandhi (3) A ventriloquist's dummy

Q8B: Is it possible in your opinion to have any ABC as prime minister?
A: (1) Yes (2) Yes (3) Yes

Q9: What should be the position of all Congressmen when the demand to instal Sonia as prime minister is made after the elections?
A: (1) Hysteria (2) Hunger strike sans medical examination (3) Prostrate.

Q10: What will be the three main issues in the coming elections?
A: (1) BJP's foreign policy (2) Sharad Pawar's foreign links (3) Foreign exchange reserves.

Q 11: Which of the three examples should Congressmen emulate when expressing loyalty to the leader?
A: (1) Mani Shankar Aiyar (2) Kalpnath Rai (3) Ceasar's wife.

Q.12: Some famous and infamous quotes are listed below. Three were made by Congress presidents. One by a traitor. Identify which is which.
(1). "India is Indira." (2) "Nani yaad diladenge." (3). "I will remain an Indian till my last breath." (4). "Only an Indian born in India can feel for the country."

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