March 9, 1998

Dilip Bobb

Doordarshan's decision to allow free air time to political parties has been literally that: a lot of free hot air. The representatives have clearly not been chosen for their telegenic qualities and their presentation has been more appropriate for a funeral service, which it may be for most. By way of a change, the unsinkable S.S. Gill allowed all the prime ministerial candidates to personally deliver a brief electoral pitch. Here's how it went:

Atal Bihari Vajpayee: Jai Shree Ram Mandir. My appeal to voters is not to believe any of the opinion polls, they are just a mask to conceal the real findings. The BJP is going to get a clear majority. All the opinion polls clearly show that I am the favourite candidate for prime minister, so don't waste your vote on that foreign hand. She will be pasta history when this election is over and India has a strong, independent prime minister ... Er, excuse me, I have to take an urgent call from Nagpur ...

Sonia Gandhi: Jai Hindi. Hamara parivar ke sangh humne bahut Sacrifice kiya hai. I would first like to apologise for being born an Italian, but that was bofors ..., I mean before, I adopted this country as my own. I would request you not to believe the BJP atal, they are all drain inspectors, as Mani Shankar Aiyar would say, and will destroy the secular fabric of all my election outfits. They have not dared apologise for the bombs in Coimbatore, floods in Assam, the killings in Nagaland, the price of onions or any of the other anti-national acts they have been responsible for.

I.K. Gujral: Friends, remains and countrymen. I come here not to praise the United Front. The good that men do is often interrupted. Yon Kesri had a mean and hungry look and look what he did to my government. We gave you no scams, no scandals, no riots, no controversies. In fact, not much of anything, so it is only fair that we are given another chance to prove that no government is good government.

Sitaram Kesri: Every dog has its day, and mine deserves to be treated better. If I have my day, I will ban the RSS and fight the fascist forces with every last drop of my bloodhounds ... (frothing at the mouth). I defy all those who are ... Er, excuse me, there's an urgent call from 10 Janpath.

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