Columns: Flipside

Columns

India Today, January 18, 1999
Jan 18, 1999

FLIPSIDE
Future Tense

By Dilip Bobb

Now that India's army of astrologers and soothsayers have had their annual attack of prediction fever, it's time to separate the chaff from the wheat. For the most part, their predictions have been, well ..., predictable. The ascendancy of a foreign-born woman; a mid-term poll; cabinet expansion, political instability, economic hardship, social upheavals. You hardly need the help of a crystal ball to foretell such events. But some lesser-known predictions make for interesting palm-reading. Here are some which went unreported.

A Massive Conspiracy Will Be Exposed: Leading astrologer Ashok Singhal predicts the exposure of a massive, worldwide conspiracy to undermine India. The conspiracy, according to him, will originate from the Vatican, where the Pope, in league with certain Nobel Laureates, Sonia Gandhi, Bill Clinton, Benazir Bhutto, Shabana Azmi, the Missionaries of Charity, Mohammed Azharuddin, Bill Gates, the ISI, CIA, CII, CPI and other dastardly acronyms, hatch a fiendish plan to dismember India. The plot will be executed by a handful of fanatical terrorists masquerading as meek, mild, unarmed Christian tribals. The plot will be foiled, thanks to the moral vigilance of a handful of meek, mild, unarmed Hindus from the VHP disguised as fanatical terrorists.

There Will Be No War Between India and Pakistan: Countering the doom-sayers who have been predicting another war in the subcontinent, prominent soothsayer Bal Thackeray foresees no such eventuality. According to him, the stars from across the border will be entering Wagah, which dilutes the prospect of nuclear tests or any other tests. His prediction, based on the location of Mumbai, in relation to Delhi and Chennai, is that a saffron wave will replace the Mexican Wave, thus making the prospect of play highly unlikely, if not impossible. An attempt to invade India by 15 men armed with bats and balls will be repulsed by true patriots armed with invisible moral authority.

India Will Emerge as an Economic Powerhouse: Though he has been predicting this ever since he took to astrology, Yashwant Sinha's annual forecast bears repetition though other industrialists are finding it unbearable. He bases his prediction on a secret methodology known only to him, which allows him to foresee things no one else can. Though his astrological track record is not very good, or very logical, it is still widely read if only because he is the only member of his tribe to predict only good news, and in a specific time frame. Till it's time to push back the original deadline, that is.

Laloo Will Expand His Base: This prediction made by Rabri Devi is based on the planet currently ruling Bihar. Though her predictions, based on a unique remote-control method, are highly questionable, she has based her evidence on Laloo's jail reform programme which includes televisions and coolers in every cell and all other home-spun comforts. This, she predicts, will mean that when he is released his base will include all the criminals converted to his cause. However, experts question her methodology since this, they say, has always been the case.

Issue Contents | Write to us | Subscriptions | Syndication