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FLIPSIDE
It's An Ill Wind
By Dilip Bobb
Nobody's blowing very good from the ill wind
that's sweeping the country. Health experts, who seem to have sprouted
like beans in recent years, are struck dumb by the intensity of the incidents
and have no words to explain the causes. Whatever the eventual diagnosis,
it's clearly a test tube case for the country, as the rash of afflictions
spreads, in good democratic tradition, through all sections of society.
Here are some of the most visible.
Tape Worm: A serious affliction that affects
the entire system, from top to bottom, and exposes the rotten parts. A
series of general X-rays will show that lack of early treatment and weak
defence has caused the disease to spread from the middle and then to various
other parties. The worm multiplies rapidly and turns into a number of
worms sliming through the system and eating away at the healthy parts.
Spares no one, not gender-specific and affects those in positions of power
or influence in strange ways, mainly a propensity to take lots of notes.
Extremely contagious. No known cure.
 Foot
in Mouth Disease: Has now hit Chhattisgarh where its most prominent
victim is Chief Minister Ajit Jogi. Initial symptoms are a touch of hysteria
and a tendency for the working parts to stop working, thereby affecting
other organs. It also disrupts the Central System, which becomes increasingly
nervous and stops shedding fat. Only medicine available locally is Sterlite,
which may take some time to start working, if at all.
Chicken Pox: A disease that generally
affects 11 people at a time, most notably the Indian cricket team which
goes into collective paralysis when attacked by a foreign strain of the
virus. Other symptoms include acute constipation, when the runs dry up,
and a debilitating weakness in all areas. With rare exceptions, affects
the patients in strange ways: tigers become like lambs to the slaughter.
Main symptom is to turn chicken when things get too hot, leading to a
collapse of the entire system. No known remedy unless cricket boards reduce
teams to a single member.
Down's Syndrome: Also known as Kala Ravivar.
A selective disease that mainly affects those who have a sensitive index.
Patient's graph will suddenly show a downward plunge, which indirectly
affects a large share of the population. Disease caused by internal manipulation
of vital organs. Could also cause serious heart palpitations in those
indirectly affected. Like foot and mouth disease, said to originate from
bulls allowed to run wild. No known over-the-counter remedy, except strict
confinement of the bulls and constant monitoring of the monitors. For
some strange reason, strikes only on Fridays.
Elephantiasis: Mainly confined to those
with outsized egos and overgrown ambition. Symptoms include a discernible
swelling of certain body parts. Usually, the head but it can affect other
sections as well. Most prominent recent victims include Jayalalitha and
Laloo Yadav. Disease causes convenient loss of memory, as in forgetting
about other cases that may be pending, and a false feeling of euphoria.
No known cure, no matter how serious the situation.
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