Lucknow: The Uttar Pradesh Police have a weighty matter on their hands. A substantial number of lower-rung policemen have tummies that, besides making them look like Santa Clauses in the wrong uniform, are a motor hazard. Some have such well-developed paunches that they cannot squeeze behind the wheel of a jeep or even walk properly. How these portly protectors of the law chase criminals is anybody's guess.

PAUNCHLINE: Portly police have been told to shape up

Allahabad SSP R.K.Vishwakarma has come up with what he thinks is the most effective method to cut the flab. He has warned physically unfit policemen that unless they shape up, they will lose a month's salary. Every uniformed man (and woman) has been told to report to perform high-intensity exercises. Hopefully, Vishwakarma will have better luck than the Gujarat Police, which tried a similar exercise but failed. This isn't a new issue for the Uttar Pradesh Police. Inspector-General Shailaja Kant Mishra made policemen jog when he was SSP, Lucknow, in 1991. But his successors did not bother. Paunches started to protrude again.

Part of the problem is that, once recruited, policemen do not have to undergo physical fitness tests. The lawmen, on their part, say they hardly have time to sleep or eat, leave alone exercise. "If we go back to our barracks after 14 to 16 hours of duty, how can one expect us to do exercises at seven in the morning?" asks one. Director-General of Police R.K. Pundit is concerned but says he understands the policemen's point of view. "We have no shift system. Everybody wants policemen to be on duty round-the-clock." However, he is seriously considering asking his juniors to fast for a day each week. Meanwhile, Uttar Pradesh's policemen will live off the fat of the land.

-Subhash Mishra

Chandu 'Hangdog' Borde was the perennial also-ran of Indian cricket. He would have captained India for probably a decade had his career not coincided with Mansur Ali Khan Pataudi's. As it happened, he went out for the toss only once in an international game. Now, in his incarnation as chairman of the selection committee, he is reconciled to playing second fiddle again, this time to Jaggu Dalmiya, president of the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI).

Zail Singh to Dalmiya's Indira Gandhi, Borde is content being his master's rubber stamp. He let his boss select and then deselect Virender Sehwag without a murmur. Next Borde dropped the fast bowlers-Zaheer Khan, Asish Nehra and company-who till the other day were going to take India triumphant into the next decade. Instead, he picked three tyros, giving India its newest new ball attack in any Test match since 1932.

Of course, nobody seriously expects Borde and his gang of four to stick to the new guns. Consistent in their inconsistency, they will soon find unknown names from every unheralded regional cricket association that may have a vote in the BCCI election. Expect the first Test cricketers from Assam and Jammu and Kashmir soon. Maybe Dalmiya will then praise Borde's national vision and recommend him for the Bharat Ratna.

NAMED: A suite at Lord's ground, London, after former cricketer Dilip Vengsarkar.

REVIVED: By India and the US, their Defence Policy Group.

DIED: Sadhana Ulfat, promoter of the children's literacy campaign Nanhi Duniya.

DEMANDED: A national commission to fix responsibility for the Kargil fiasco in 1999, by the Pakistan Muslim League.

ELECTED: Smita Thackeray, president of the Film Federation of India.

DIED: Nanduri Prasada Rao, 89, veteran CPI (M) leader and former MP from Hyderabad.

AWARDED: The first Wharton Indian Alumni Award, to Anil Ambani, managing director of Reliance Industries Limited.

SENTENCED: Abdul Nasser Mahdhani, chairman of the Kerala-based People's Democratic Party, to two years imprisonment for assaulting a policeman.