June 22, 1998

Dilip Bobb

Are bomb shelters going to be the new status symbol, downgrading farmhouses and beach bungalows? Much will depend on the letters exchanged between the prime ministers of India and Pakistan. The tone and content suggest that mediation has prevailed over radiation. Here's what the letters say.

Dear Prime Minister,

Now that we are no longer at sixes and sevens, it's time to show the world that we are both responsible, mature nations rather than the hysterical, war-mongering banana republics that the international community is suggesting. But before we get into that, I would like to warn your Government to stop exploding bombs in our trains, causing power failures in our cities, spreading corruption and nepotism and flooding our markets with subversive literature like movie magazines or insidious cassettes of Hindi films and pop music. You may have Salman Khan, Shah Rukh Khan and Parvati Khan but we have Dr A.Q. Khan. So if you do not desist from your destabilising activities we will have no choice but to guard our loins and nuclear our tips to bring a Ghauri end to your illegal existence. This is nothing short of a holy war and I will prove to you that mine is bigger than yours.

Let me know when you are ready to surrender.
Yours Fatefully
Nawaz Sharif.

Dear Prime Minister,

I am in receipt of your letter pouched in diplomatic language. As a mature, responsible democracy with 100 million people, it is quite obvious whose is bigger than whose. However, in the interest of world peace and to prevent us being equated with Iraq, Eritrea and Ethiopia, I am being sober and reasonable and suggest we sit down and sort out our differences. But first, I would like to warn you that for every one of our diplomats who is beaten up, we will beat up two of yours. We have also stopped all your Pakistani singers coming here and filling our halls with their destabilising music. You may have Ghulam, we have Dr Kalam. Finally, stop your noises on Kashmir or else we will give you a bloody noise. Our victory at the United Nations proves that our trouble-shooters are bigger than yours. And, since right is might, I suggest you surrender all territorial claims. In fact, my recommendation would be that you surrender anyway to avoid the Agni that will follow.
Jai Shri Ram
Atal Bihari Vajpayee.

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