Behaviour: Love in the time of a chip

An increasing number of mouse-happy Indians are charging their otherwise static lives by cruising various chat sites on the Net, looking for romance, companionship -- even sex.

Midnight. New Dehli. loud, aggressive music. A glowing computer monitor. A keyboard worn smooth by twitching fingers. For Vikram Sabharwal, it's another night out cruising on the integrated circuits of the Net for "hot dates". The 23-year-old graphic designer, a self-confessed cyber freak, has just finished a hard day's work and needs desperately to party in the virtual world. Limbering his fingers, he clicks on the mouse and the monitor displays his usual "nicks" (short for nicknames). The nicks, he explains, are like masks for him to play different people with different mannerisms, kinks, sometimes even gender. There's the androgynous Rosebud (who likes to talk about dancing and cats or other performing arts), then there's He-Man (who talks only in capital letters -- "SIX INCHES AND THICK" -- and captivates with his sexual fury -- "YOU'LL BE STRAPPED DOWN AND ...") and there is Tania 69 (whose brief, personal profile lists her as a hot-blooded woman seeking adventure). But tonight, Sabharwal would rather be the simple Net-Wit -- an easy-going romantic dude who specialises in witty repartee. "He's closest to what I really am. He socks them in the eye with his one- liners," says Sabharwal.

Minutes later, Net-Wit announces his entry in a big, steamy chat lounge called #Jacuzzi (pronounced hash Jacuzzi), much like a hot tub full of strangers, all groping each other under the bubbles as they soak it in with small provocative talk. After a few bytes of conversation, Net-Wit zeroes in on the sassy Sandi276, who identifies herself as F (female) and lists her turn-ons: Thai food and red lipstick.

Sandi276: I like to dance naked in my apartment. Dressed, I go anywhere I'm taken.

Net-Wit: How about some place quiet ... just the two of us, where we could ... talk?

Seconds later, both "go private" -- clicking on to a one-to-one mode as if walking into their own private chat room. Hours later, a bleary-eyed Sabharwal logs off, his hard drive satisfied with the prized possession of her e-mail. "Man, we were totally compatible. I can't wait to talk to her again." Another small fleck of cyberdust has just snowballed into a virtual affair.

Click on to the world of cyber romance, a sign of the times, where thousands of mouse-happy Indian cyberadoes are cruising the boulevards of a virtually non-existent world for companionship. In today's ruthless world of competition, where workloads have increased and everybody prowls tirelessly for that better deal, few get the time and energy to pursue real romance. It's easier just making out on the Net. An avalanche of chat sites -- termed the singles' bars of the '90s -- pockmarks the Web, doing an impressive job of harnessing the information age to romantic desperation. On any given night, thousands engage in intimate conversations with strangers on these sites (some India specific like #Delhi or Mumbai). The number of sites has doubled over a year and on weekends, the number of people logging in trebled, with the result that the VSNL lines get clogged.

More than 120 million World Wide Web users across different continents and cultures chat at least once a month. The ones hooked in chat for two hours a day, while extreme cases overdose at about eight hours. Says Ajit Balakrishnan, the man behind Rediff On The Net, a popular news/feature/chat site, "Besides e-mail, cyberchatting is the most popular activity on the Net simply because it has become a great way to meet people fast and without hassles." Last month, Rediff had taken out one of its chat sites to upgrade technology. Within a day, it received 18,000 e-mails that complained about being left in the lurch. "A lot of people are trying to figure out why it has become so compelling an addiction," adds Balakrishnan.

One reason is that deep, anxious, ancient urge to mate. Romance seems to spread like jimson weed in the vast, virtual plains of cyberspace, that intangible ether between one computer and another. Take Sanjana Sharma, 18, a science student who sits at her laptop in Delhi and makes contact with her "cyber boyfriend" Shekhar Nandev, a sophomore in Mumbai. A typical encounter goes like this:

Sheikhme (Shekhar's nick): Not another tryst with the she-devil (a nick for Sanjana's mother though she isn't into chat).

Both share a close relationship. Their degree of intimacy wouldn't be unusual if they were neighbourhood friends or school buddies. But they've never seen each other. Nor do they see any reason to. They give each other all the support they need strictly on e-mail or the ICQ chat line.

It's love all right but with a new set of rules and against the backdrop of a brand new technology. "Whenever new technologies come, people find ways to use them for courtship or even sex," explains Dewang Mehta, executive director of the National Association of Software and Service Companies. Except this time it is threatening to reverse the sexual revolution's established credo of physical sharing without personal intimacy, allowing people to exchange their thoughts before exchanging anything else.

More simply, "love in the chat room is as platonic as it can get because you leave the meat (read body) behind," says Raman Sarkar, a 27-year-old computer engineer, who uses the nick "Garth". In the real world, physical attraction is the catalyst that draws people: if the body appeals to us, then we investigate further. But in the virtual world, this process works in reverse: if your interests match, then you ask to see the body. As a result, there is an unprecedented openness in cyberspace. All the I-have-a-crush-on-you awkwardness in real life that gets padded with random distractions, like playing with your cocktail olive, must now be softened with words or the screen goes blank. All thoughts that could be otherwise communicated with a look or touch must now be conveyed only with the alphabet. "You've got to have a knack with words because they are all you have," adds Sarkar, who saves his conversations on the hard drive to read over, obsess about, analyse and to strategically plan the next string of vowels and consonants. He has three virtual girlfriends and no real ones.

Many online users exude a kind of snobbery for people like Sarkar though, calling them losers (too hopeless to find a real partner). And because the Net world is predominantly male (more than 70 per cent), there is a lot of locker-room ribbing (wink, wink, jab, jab) about those who indulge in cyber relations or even cyber sex. "Cyber sex is so corny. I'm into it just to get my kicks," says Shiv Ahuja, a 35-year-old tv engineer. One of the encounters he had downloaded went thus. He had picked up Cutsie -- who identified herself as "fun-loving female with an open mind" -- at the "Biker's cafe (a chat room), then moved to a virtual bedroom with soft music and candles on the dresser, exchanged sexual fantasies and was now getting into some serious stuff, at least on one side:

Hercules (Ahuja's nick): I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Cutsie: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back, undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body.

But for some others, cyber sex is as good, if not better, than the real thing. Says Pradeep Jaiswal, a 32-year-old copywriter: "It's really the power of emotion and imagination that turns cyber sex into real sex." He says going online creates an intense sense of intimacy within minutes, often leading to exchange of sexual fantasies, that make him come back for more and more. And, of course, the safety of virtual sex is unparalleled. The only viruses that can be transmitted are computer viruses. While annoying, they tend to let the users live. There are moral dilemmas too. Many engage in the thrill of a new seduction over the computer even as their spouses sleep in the next room, leading to tricky complications. Says Aslam Shems, president of Combit Advertising Network Limited and a cyber guru: "My virtual relationship started affecting my real one." Yet, for him, it isn't cheating. The way he reasons it out: they've never seen each other or touched each other. "And if it is virtual sex, then I'm just a virtual cheater."

But most cyberadoes don't strain their minds on these issues. For them, it's a different trip. "How often do most of us working in tiny cubicles staring at tiny screens get to live out our fantasies?" asks Sudhir Khatri, software firm executive, who often masquerades as a hunk with big bucks. Khatri, a short, thin guy, usually starts off with: "I'm 6'3", weigh 200 pounds. I work out everyday and I'm toned and perfect." Later, he subtly drops in hints like: "a Lamborghini in the driveway and a jacuzzi in the bathroom". The ritual of pursuing desires from behind a facade is as old as the masquerade. But perhaps because it has never been so easy, the compulsion has never been so strong. Anonymity can throw an anarchic twist to conversations. Since, in many chat sites, you leave no tracks, you are free to be what your imagination desires: to experiment with your personality, your sexuality, even your gender. Says Savita, a 32-year-old Bangalore copywriter: "I often log in as a bored housewife with marital problems ... and I love it when there are five guys wanting to 'go private' with me."

But there's a flip-side too. Many feel that the demi-realities of chat cannot ultimately fulfil real world needs. Others feel sickened by the relentless layering of illusions where people pose as air-brushed versions of themselves so that they may share their inner fantasies with strangers. Says Jaiswal: "I've found that at some point, the desire for the physical becomes overwhelming. You want it to be real or you don't want it." And often, cyber lovers who hit it off with great mental rapport find that they have little or no physical compatibility. Kunal Deshpande, an HRD consultant in Mumbai, had a disastrous time when his Mexican cyber girlfriend came visiting. "Though our minds were in sync, I never realised she would be so meticulous, so obsessive and so compulsively orderly ... it turned me off."

But Deshpande isn't bitter. "It isn't that cyber romances are faulty. It's us." Despite the occasional heartburn, most cyberadoes still believe the Net is the centre of their social lives. The Net would be worth their time even without the possibility of true love appearing at the top of the next screen. It's just that sometime, somewhere one just needs to keep a check on reality. Says Shems: "My way of doing it is to cruise the virtual world for five days a week. But for the other two days, I go out and get some real life experience."
-with Stephen David

NETIQUETTE

Going out on a cyber date? Watch out, it isn't your breath or that you have nose hair you need to worry about. It's the thought behind your words. A few tips...

If writing is your forte, play to your strength. Spoken words vanish into thin air, but online communication leaves marks. Here you get a chance to reflect, analyse and edit your thoughts instead of constructing them on the fly. Do it. Allow your messages to reveal the "real you".

In the absence of physical bodies, the desire to know each other's minds becomes overwhelmingly urgent. But reveal your wild side slowly and with caution. Look for subtle cues and acceptable subjects at first. Avoid appearing sex-crazed the very first time, even if you're corresponding with Madonna.

Learn the abbreviations, otherwise you'll sound like a greenhorn. There's BTW for by the way. HHOK (ha ha only kidding) is used a lot. LOL (laughing out loud) is a polite reply to a joke. Flame is an insulting e-mail you send somebody who wants group sex. And IMHO (in my humble opinion) is hardly used.

Always maintain a positive tone. For some, mild sarcasm may work, but only when a smile and wink (which don't show on the screen) will reveal that was meant in jest Yes netiquette permits smily faces (:-) but you're better off avoiding negativity and being cutesy.