Flipside: State of the Onion

India Today, November 30, 1998
Nov 30, 1998

FLIPSIDE
State of the Onion

Dilip Bobb

With his government's performance rating at around the same level as the site for the nuclear blasts, Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee is in a pickle. Or its nearest equivalent since mustard oil remains in short supply. However, stung by the opposition's electoral criticism, he has finally awoken from a protracted period of meditation to launch a counter-attack, emphasising his Government's achievements. It's called his State of the Onion Address. Here's how it goes.

Friends, Allies and Countrymen
I would like to assure you that the onion is in good hands. The coming elections will not be a referendum on the government's performance. Our performance has been better than any government's, including that woolly headed Nehru's. The opposition parties are saying that we are desperate. What is there to be desperate about? We are going to sweep the polls. But just in case we don't I would like to repeat, these elections will not be a vote against this government. We have done more in these few months than any previous government. Don't believe any of these opinion polls. These are all funded by Pakistan and the ISI. I will now list my Government's achievements.

We have broken our previous record of being in office for 13 days. This shows that our performance has improved and has been appreciated by the people. Even Mamata Banerjee has given us another year before she decides on whether to withdraw support. That means we have another year to establish our credentials. Even if we do badly in these elections, do not treat this as a reflection on our performance. Give us another two years and we will prove that our policies are right. Three would be even better.

The opposition is making a big issue out of the rise in prices. Give us another two years and we will remove corruption, arrest the middlemen and traders and make sure that there are no unseasonal rains. The price rise is all a conspiracy hatched by the Congress. They knew we would be coming to power so they manipulated the market. We all know they have contacts in Dubai, where these high-priced onions are coming from. In any case, the state of the onion has improved. Give us another three years and we will bring down prices even further.

No other government had the courage to conduct nuclear tests. There were three Indo-Pak wars under Congress governments. There have been no wars under the BJP. This shows that we have put the fear of God into Islamabad. Give us another three years and we will crush the ISI, bring America to its knees, revitalise the economy and make India a global power. Of course, we will also improve the law and order situation in the country which is being created by a conspiracy between the Congress and Jyoti Basu in collusion with Pakistan, America and Romesh Sharma. That may take a little longer, say four years.

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