August 31, 1998

The cold war is coming to an end. Traditional domestic equations change as women begin to appreciate their newly self-confident daughter-in-law.

By Sheela Raval with Ramesh Vinayak and Subhadra Menon

It's a lazy Wednesday afternoon, just after lunch. Usha Rikhey is playing hostess to a group of card-playing mamas-in-law in Mumbai's Bandra suburb. Conversation revolves around their achiever grandchildren until one of them draws the trump card: her perfect bahu (daughter-in-law). You read right. For this group, bahu-bashing is obviously passe. Let's listen in:

Says Usha Marwah: "I've forgotten how to cook because my daughter-in-law Benu is such a super cook."

Vimala Purie goes one better: "My Sonu manages the home so well that both of us have plenty of spare time."

Quips Mrs Rikhey: "Diva is so busy with her dental practice, yet she still attends all our family functions."

The one-upwomanship continues, the compliments slapped on the table like a hand of winning cards. In life, literature and on celluloid, Indian mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have always been cast as enemies. But now it seems that image of the frumpy, grumpy mum-in-law has begun to fade. As has the picture of the cowering, eyes-downcast daughter-in-law. In a recent survey by Maharashtra-based NGO Swadhar, 60 per cent of the women across the state said that the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is improving. Is this the dawn of an age of peaceful co-existence?

Yes, says Indira Sehgal, 58, lecturer at a reputed Chandigarh college. "I have no time to bear grudges against my daughter-in-law, Rupa. I like to use my free time more meaningfully." Rupa, a doctor, believes that it was Indira's cooperation that helped her complete her postgraduation within a year of her marriage. They still share the housework, have loosely defined their domains within the home and, as Indira points out, "don't come in each other's way".

So, is the next stage in today's supermom's life being supermother-in-law? As Murli Desai from the Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai, explains, "Educated, self-aware and working mothers-in-law are more of an asset to the superwomen of the '90s." Home is not the only power centre for the working mum-in-law, which makes her less resentful of new entrants. But hold on. Dowry deaths are not a forgotten phenomenon. In 1996, 472 cases were registered in Maharashtra alone. For every Indira Sehgal and Usha Rikhey, there are many more disgruntled mothers-in-law. What's new then is that the Indiras and Ushas exist at all.

And the Kokilas ... Kokila Dani, 60, of Mumbai, was expected to cover her head when she got married four decades ago. Now she insists that her daughter-in-law Heena should work, just to enjoy life outside the four walls of her house. Says Heena, 36: "We are not competing but complementary to each other."

Often, mutual dependence leads to compatibility. For young couples, having the grandparents at home means the possibility of giving creches the go by. And a working daughter-in-law is no longer universally perceived as an over-ambitious female encroaching on male territory, but as a path to an improved standard of living.

On the younger woman's part, financial independence translates into self-confidence and a greater sense of ease in all her relationships. The mother-in-law-as-an-ogress image thus fades away, to be replaced by the mother-in-law-as-a-mother-figure. Rita Trivedi, 33, gives much of the credit for her success as a marketing consultant in Mumbai to her husband's mother Urmila. Says Rita: "I come home to a huge mug of piping hot tea and a sympathetic ear. Just talking to her gets whatever has troubled me off my chest."

Or take Pramila and Jyoti Madhok of Delhi. Jyoti, 30, is a CA. Pramila, a widow for many years, is a retired government officer. Jyoti realises that her husband and Pramila had only each other for many years: "I wouldn't be the one to break that tight bond." As for Pramila, she says pragmatically: "If you marry your son to a working girl, you had better adjust to their ways."

In some cases, unfortunately, the mother-in-law may not have much of a choice. The wheel has turned a full circle for those who suffered at the hands of their own mothers-in-law and now find themselves being trampled upon by their sons and bahus. In Mumbai, Sumit Merchant, a retired banker, is now staying away from his son Rahul's family because his wife Kanchan had to shoulder all the household chores while Rahul and his wife were engrossed in their careers. Says Merchant: "My wife was reduced to a sophisticated servant."

Kanchan is a grim reminder of how things could turn out. But for now, the mass media are inclined to focus "not on the conflict, but on the positive aspects of the relationship", as Hema Viswanathan, gm, Probe Qualitative Research in Mumbai, puts it. In Tu Tu Main Main on Star Plus, the constant bickering between saas (mum-in-law) and bahu masks an underlying affection. In Hindi films too, the image of the wicked mum-in-law as epitomised by Lalita Pawar has given way to gentler characters portrayed by Reema Lagoo and Sushma Seth. Then there is real life, and the annual Best Mother-in-law of the Year Contest organised by the Guild of Women Achievers, Bangalore. In the first year, 1996, there were 300 entries from all over India -- 300 daughters-in-law writing in to say why they thought their mothers-in-law were the best. Proof enough that something somewhere is changing.

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