By Ambica Sharma

HOW WE WISH WE HAD THOSE THINGS

When we were in school we wanted things. We wanted this and that and we kicked up a storm. But later, when we look back and we have the things we wanted then, they do not feel all that special. And we start to wonder, 'What happened back then?'

Well, back then those things were important for us. The new shoes for every occasion, a walkman for the New Year, a new pair of jeans when it was your bro/sis's b'day, not yours.

No, those things were not worthless then. If we didn't have them, we used to feel so out of place with our friends. Now we don't know where those friends are. But had we had those things back then, maybe we'd know.

Yes, the almost-haves feel more than a tinge of jealousy towards the ones who seem to have everything.

IT FEELS FRUSTRATING

It turned us into a completely different set of people. The kind who would try to become invisible when friends were collecting money for a party. Not that we did not want to give, but that we could not. The feeling is gut-wrenching.

The frustration has been building up since childhood, eating into our self-esteem. Every need was fulfilled-almost. Every want was postponed to the next day, till next month's pay-day, or when somebody made a business payment. And then what we got was just the thing we wanted, well, almost. It felt sick.

FRIENDS ARE NEVER AT FAULT

And it damaged our friendships because the friends who have it all are not, at fault, are they? It seems that we are at fault. For no fault of ours. Never being able to come up to the mark and not realising that the red line itself is always moving up, because their parents do have more money than ours. For instance, not being able to buy things like music cassettes. How much does a music cassette cost? Buying two or three of them in a month cannot be all that big a burden on the family finances. And if you are not in on the music then where are you? Nowhere.

NOR ARE WE

It was not only about things, it was also about parents not being able to spare time for us-their jobs ate them up. Coming home tired, trying to be with us, helping us study and still that was not enough. We wanted more-much more. Take us out after dinner for an ice cream, snacks or just an outing. It was also about the embargo on 'unnecessary' spending.

You are six years old and say, "Dad, I want to have a cold drink". Dad says, "You've just had lunch, why do you want a cold drink now? No."

You are 13 years old and say to your parents, "Dad, Mom, I want some money. I have to buy a birthday present for my friend."

Your parents say, "Is he/she a very close friend?" You say, "Yes."

"Well then, make a card for them instead of buying it-he/she will appreciate it more."

Going out on a trip? We have to go over it a hundred times whether we can go or not. And when we do go, the spending power is restricted. The friends also seem to like those who can spend as much as them or more than them. They are not kind to us, if we say "No, we can't."

IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU

It damages our relationship with our parents. All they do is scold us for being greedy or they maintain a stoic silence. We'd go back to our rooms, with throats constricted from trying to stop the tears. Wanting to throw something at the wall, to see it break. See some kind of expected result out of our actions and then dream about how fantastic it would be if we had those things. Time and again the same spiel.

It affects our instant decision-making ability. Because then every decision to be taken is pondered over for a bit too long. So, in a way we lose out on having carefree fun.

ON THE WRONG TRACK

And we start to look for fun somewhere else, like stealing money and things to sell, extorting money to fulfill our wants, thinking what we are doing is right-if we want something we should get it and we will. "If we can get away with it then we will repeat it."

There is no thought spared to whether it is hurting someone or us.

IT DEPRESSED US NO END

Other times, it is a bad attack of the blue devils. Not wanting to go out, not wanting to try, losing one's appetite, giving up on caring for friends, getting irritated over every little thing that does not make a difference anyway.

And then back again to the havoc-causing pattern of blaming our parents for not being able to provide the things that the friends have. The clothes were always two sizes too big so that they lasted at least a year and a half, the route through the market was planned so that the goodies store could be avoided and the money saved.

GOING DOWN HARD

Teenagers who grow up with a little less of something they want, most of the time turn in to hardworkers trying to achieve an elusive goal which symbolizes the things they never quite could get a good hold on. They have this urge to get there, where their own personal goals lie. It may not always mean that this road leads to the top of the heap, but just to the place they always wanted to reach. All that denial can also mean giving up on working at it altogether, preferring to just take what comes their way and be satisfied with it.

All those spirit-crushing moments have taken their toll on the wannabes.

I'VE GOT IT

And then there are the ones who say 'I want...' and their parents say 'you can have it, and more if you want'. Always getting what you want, even things you do not require are there for use, just in case. Showing off becomes as normal as breathing. Other times, it becomes a subconscious thing, 'I didn't realise I was the privileged one'. Having money does not always mean that one is ekdum free from all the troubles.

"Since we get most of the things we ask for, we do things that are new, things which others are going to do when they have finished with acquiring the things that we get without asking for." Does this mean that if you are financially well off you are way above the rest of them? Because what that would mean then is money over mind and hard work. "No, what we mean is if we already have something, then we go for something different."

Many of them are aware of the fact that they have had it easier in life, they are willing to spend time in that stupor, if it is possible to reach the top the easy way. But not all of them. "We don't want to, we don't want people to say s/he is there because of the parents. It is tougher for us as we have to continually prove that we are capable of doing things ourselves, but we cannot help it if we are well off." The 'haves' also have this desire to do something on their own, not to rest on the laurels or the money of the family. They are trying very hard to make a separate identity for themselves. What is emerging is that having parents who provide for everything seems to look comfortable, but it is not always so. The parents are very aware that they sometimes end up giving their children more than they asked for, so if both kids ask for the same thing they will tell them to share things or tell them to think whether they do need it at all. And both parents are not indulgent at the same time-"Usually it is the mother who will tell us not to waste the money that dad is working hard at earning."

The one thing that is common to both the 'haves' and 'almost-haves' is when one parent says 'no' and the other says 'yes'. The money for spending is going to come into their hands only if both parents agree to it. And we all know how many grey cells we have to use to try and convince even one of them, while the other is shaking his or her head. Money or no money, when the parents are standing on opposite sides, then it is an empty tub we are standing in!