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Are you ready for Sex?
The
hormones are surging, the person is right, the moment is ripe but
are you really really ready?
By
Payal Anand
You
have been going out for ages, you are a couple, you have gone from
hand-holding to kissing, to a lot more. Now, the next natural step
seems to be to go all the way. You are trying to avoid thinking
about it, you may not even have discussed it with your guy/girl,
but what you are really trying to figure out is 'Am I ready?'
Tough one. It's impossible for anyone else to tell you, and equally
difficult for you to figure out on your own. For every one friend
who thinks it's okay for you to go ahead, there are others who think
that you should wait until you know each other longer, until you
are older, until you are married! Plus, the fears about getting
pregnant, STDs, AIDS. Add to that the feeling that your parents
would probably kill you if they knew you were even thinking about
it!
But thinking about it you are. And while you can take the advice
of people you love and trust, only you can decide what to do, because
only you have to live with your decision later. God, don't you wish
life had an 'undo' button to click on?! Well, can't 'undo'... but
what you can do is think before you 'do'...
HE/SHE
WILL LOVE ME MORE...
Big
mistake. If you've got a good thing going, then having sex can certainly
make you come closer. But if you have got the feeling that having
sex will make him/her love you more, there's something wrong here.
If your guy/girl has said or implied that they will care more for
you once you have had sex then you need to sort things out with
them. Do you really want to be in a sitch where how far you go decides
how much you are loved?
ALL
MY FRIENDS HAVE DONE IT...
This may be reason enough to do many things
in life, but having sex is not one of them. Firstly, when you are
ready has nothing to do with when someone else was ready. Again,
it may be tough feeling like the world's last virgin, but rest assured
you're not. A whole lot of people wait a long time until they're
absolutely certain they want to have sex. Many others who tell you
they have had sex may be omitting the fine print, like the fact
that they hugely regretted having sex simply for the sake of it.
By the way, if you think this pressure is limited to girls, think
again. Guys have to deal with this big time, because make-out sesh
details are often a big part of guy-guy conversations. And they
often decide to have sex because they don't want to be the only
ones with no juicy details to share. Like Rohan Sadana, 17, a class
XII student, who talked his gf into having sex because all his friends
said they had already had sex with their girlfriends. "I felt like
a loser, like they were on one planet and I on another. So I got
Meghana to agree, but we really regretted it later, because we were
simply not ready. And after we had sex, we just drifted apart."
MY
BF/GF WANTS TO...
Great for them that they've worked out that
they, uh, want to, but if they made their mind up for themselves,
don't you have the right to do the same? They have no business pressurising
you into it. The scene of having sex for the sake of the other person
is a lifelong trap if you fall into it once. It's for you to decide
when you're ready and your partner must respect that. If they don't,
dump him/her, fast. Neha Mehra, 18, a B Com Hons student from Delhi
University, realised this when Jai, her bf of six months, suggested
they have sex. When she said she wasn't ready, he said that if she
loved him, she would agree. "For a while I thought he was right.
But I was still uncomfortable with the thought. That's when I realised
that if he really loved me, he wouldn't hassle me about it."
IT'LL
MAKE ME SEEM COOL...
Trying to fit in with your crowd? A lot of
us do things simply to fit in, and there's nothing majorly wrong
with that. But making a decision like this because of how it will
make you look to other people is a big no-no. Your real friends
won't-or shouldn't-think you're cool just because you've gone all
the way. On the other hand, this doesn't mean that if you really
feel you're ready, then people's opinions should stop you. The point
here is to think for yourself and make the decision based on how
you feel. Whether it'll make you more popular or less popular is
not the issue at all.
I
HAVE TO DO IT SOMETIME...
Obviously. But that doesn't explain why sometime
is now. If you want to have sex because you love your guy/girl,
or because you feel ready, that's one thing. But it should mean
more to you than simply something to be got over with. Where's the
fire? We all know you may be physically ready. But having sex is
as much a mind thing as a body thing. And, are you ready for the
consequences? So until you feel ready on all fronts, don't do it.
Manish Jain, a first year Eco Hons student, had sex when he was
16, with a girl he barely knew who came on to him at a party. "I
thought here was a girl who was willing, so why not? I think guys
have it easier that way, they can have casual sex without worrying
about the consequences so much." But Manish later regretted that
his first sexual experience was one in which there were very few
feelings involved. "Of course I was attracted to her physically,
but there was nothing more. When I think about it now, I feel a
bit, you know, cheap, because in our minds love and sex usually
go together, but here it was purely physical, and I don't think
it should be like that."
I CAN'T SAY NO...
A lot of people end up having sex because
they're in a sitch where they feel they can't say no. Obviously,
when you're in the midst of some heavy physical action, it's difficult
to put the brakes on without feeling that you've led your guy/girl
on. The solution? Talk about how far you want to go before you start,
that way you won't feel bad about calling a halt. In any case, whether
or not you've discussed it before, you have the right to stop any
time you want to. If your guy/girl is trying to lay a guilt trip
on you, don't fall for it. Prachi Arora, 17, says she almost ended
up having sex with her boyf because they had already gone so far
that she didn't know how to stop him when he wanted more. "I didn't
know how to stop him because he didn't even ask me what was okay
with me. He just assumed that because we'd gone a certain distance,
I would now be willing to have sex. When I refused he got nasty
and said I was a tease. I was shocked. Don't I have the right to
decide for myself?" In fact, it was this callousness which finally
made Prachi decide that she wasn't ready to have sex, and especially
with this guy. "It was tough, but after the way he behaved, I had
no second thoughts about throwing him out."
IT'LL MAKE ME MORE MATURE...
Oh, puhleeze! If you think that having sex
will make you wake up the morning after all grown up and on a different
plane of existence, forget it. You'll be exactly the same person
you were the night before and chances are you might be feeling worse,
because the miracle of maturity that you expected to happen simply
did not.
I WAS AT A PARTY AND...
It's one of the most common scenarios. You're
at a party with your gf/bf, possibly you've had something to drink,
you're feeling relaxed and very much into each other and suddenly
it doesn't seem like such a big deal to go all the way. Well, we
have news. It could be a very big deal to both of you the next day.
A serious decision like having sex shouldn't be made under the influence
of alcohol or because the atmosphere around you is all mushy and
intimate. Next morning, things won't necessarily look quite so cosy.
As Neha says, "Virtually all my friends who've had sex after a party
or after drinking have regretted it." Basically, keep in mind that
you shouldn't get talked into thinking that first time sex is not
a big deal because it most certainly is a big deal. Equally important,
it's not a trophy to be displayed, so your reasons for having sex
should be personal and not about pleasing or displeasing someone.
So if you've gone through all the reasons above and decided you
still wanna have sex, obviously, you think you are ready. But you've
still got to keep some things in mind.
TALK
TO YOUR GF/BF
Don't think that once you've decided, it's
going to be okay with the guy/girl in your life. Also, most of us
think that only girls have to think or be convinced about having
sex and that it's not a big deal for guys. It's as big a deal for
everyone, and guys are often just as confused, nervous and shy.
So talk it out, see if you feel comfortable discussing it. If you
can't talk to him/her, then this is either not the right time or
the right person.
GET
INFO ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL
And this goes for both guys and girls. Contraception
is not the girl's problem-it takes two to tango, doesn't it? And
girls, if your guy insists that you should take care of it, then
you'd want to think again about having sex with him. If he's so
callous now, what's he gonna be like later?
GET
YOUR FACTS RIGHT
This
is the time to get all your facts about sex right. Like, birth control
is one thing, protection from AIDS and other STDs is entirely another.
Talk to a counsellor, talk to someone you know will give you the
right info, the point is talk to someone before you have sex, otherwise
you are sure to regret it later. Embarrassment is difficult to deal
with, but if things go wrong later, that's going to be even more
difficult to deal with. Oh and by the way, in India it's illegal
to have sex if you're under 18-for both guys and girls. And while
it's highly unlikely that you'll be arrested because you had sex
when you were underage, don't forget that the law was made keeping
in mind both the biological and psychological aspects involved.
Don't wanna listen to the law? Or us? Cool. Just listen to yourself.
Don't let someone else control the situation. And wait until you're
absolutely sure of what you want and who you want it from. ¨
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