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| FREE TO MAKE OUT? All this mystery around it. This thing which is always cloaked. Enough to start a normal teenager on a path of exploration By Ambica Sharma
Most of the time it starts in school. That whisper overheard, the stories that start to do the rounds, the magazine that shows the pics. The questioning and wary looks of the parents each time you talk to a person of the opposite sex. The first step towards getting to know more about something that your friends always seem to know more about, and at which the adults are always frowning. More the parents say 'no', the more the kid wants to know why and how? Is it the way s/he thinks it is? Is everybody doing it? Well, this the kid knows is a yes because everybody seems to frown at him/her if the subject arises. All this mystery around it. This thing which is always cloaked. Enough to start a normal teenager on a path of exploration. All this is natural-wanting to know things, finding out more about them, see if things can be taken further. Shows an inquisitive and intelligent mind.
"People think it isn't easy for us to find a place to do it. But if you actually look around there are plenty of places where we can and we do, do it." This is a 15-year-old who is confident enough to speak her mind, but is diffident about giving her name or her school's name in print. "And believe me the school premises is just one of the places". Bathrooms, empty classrooms, sports lockers, the lab-all very comfortable and safe places to have sex in school. Every student in school knows about these places or has vaguely heard about them. The teachers often walk in on students in a clinch behind the classroom door, or the wooden cabinet in the lab. Of course, the case of the loo is different because the teachers and the students don't share loos. So the students don't get caught! "School is the only place during the day. We can't take our gfs/bfs home". But it is not unusual for teenagers to save money so that they can get a room on hire where they can make out in peace. The peer pressure is so strong that even if you have seen it only in movies, you tend to own up that you have at least been here half way. "Each one of my friends has an anecdote to tell regarding their gfs. How they were trying to do this but that happened. How they were trying to kiss her on the lips but ended up somewhere between the nose and the upper lip. And then they look at you and one has to come up with something that one heard somewhere, somebody else's experience." This kind of thing is more common with guys. They are more under pressure from peers to show that they are indulging in sex. That they are normal boys. With girls it is a bit different. If you have stuck to one guy for some time and are then sleeping with him it's okay. But if you are behaving like one of the guys, sleeping around, or even just kissing every guy you go out with, then you are called a hussy. Not very different from how the rest of the world reacts! What about teenagers who don't make out? The ones who go to school and then straight back home? They are called names too. Like 'ice maiden', 'baccha/bacchi', 'abnormal'. They are under pressure too, to do at least something to show that they are living in the same world that their friends are in. These teenagers may be good at studies, great friends, keen sports men/women, but they have to 'perform' in this particular field too. This pressure sometimes pushes teenagers into forcing themselves on their gf/bf or even just a friend. Which, apart from being a criminal offence, also spoils his/her image in the eyes of the very friends who happen to be the cause of it all. Peer pressure apart, the hormones racing through the body are enough to make them take the big step. But the name-calling, the immature and irresponsible comments, the panic when something goes wrong, are all the result of the mind not being mature enough to deal with the other factors that come into play once you start having sex. The body is ready for it but the mind is not. Teenagers who start as early as 13 or 14 have problems in relationships later on in life. Their studies get affected. They suffer from the guilt syndrome, 'I should not be doing this. What if somebody finds out?' "They think that I can't hear the name they call me by. Do they think I am deaf? Just because I went out with three different guys and smooched them doesn't make me a slut." " You know I am called an 'IN' (insensitive nymphomaniac) by the girls at school!-Can you believe that? I initially did not even know what the word meant. Because I don't have a steady gf, I go out on dates with different girls and I have indulged in necking with a few. We knew that this was just one date." Whenever it happens that a teenager moves town, s/he never expects their peers there to know as much about sex as they do. On the other hand the newcomer is looked upon with the attitude that they have a lot to learn. Here too, the pressure to 'perform' or narrate 'incidents' is very high. The instances of taking to drinking, drug abuse and depression are very common. The situation spins out of control. These ways out of the problem become such major problems themselves that the teenager finds it very difficult to come out of it. Then there is the case of teenagers resorting to blackmailing in order to earn some money the easy way. Or just to prevent the other partner from having sex with someone else or, as in some cases, forcing them to have it with someone else. The amount of half-baked information, combined with myths about sex, doing the rounds result in an array of health risks that the teenager undertakes: The incorrect or ineffective way of using contraceptives; using a prescription pill that a friend suggested and later regretting it; the risk of unwanted teenage pregnancies. The girls will go to a clinic where the doctor may charge them sky high rates and on top of that be negligent too. Then there are STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases), of which AIDS is incurable. The other STDs need an intensive course of antibiotics given by a doctor who knows that they are dealing with a teenager who is scared, but will not admit it. And will not say from whom s/he got the infection. The lucky ones might resume normal lives but most of them will end up with botched up insides. Because of the disease and/or the abortion. An important part of the 'we-want-to-be-free' concept is the freedom to have sex. This means that the parents should allow them, with an open mind, to go ahead and experiment with sex. Talk about it at home, clear their doubts. And help them when they get into trouble instead of first scolding them and then mollycoddling them. They take it as their right. But it appears that is a long time in coming. Earlier parents were very closed to talking about the birds and bees with the kids. Not so now. Parents have become more permissive, more vocal about the subject. But this permissiveness is akin to turning a blind eye to what the kid is actually doing. Letting them do what they want, not guiding them when they should have and blaming the child and his/her friends, the television, Hindi movies. And blaming themselves, not for not giving correct info, but for not keeping a tighter rein. Are teenagers actually allowed to experiment with sex or not? 'No', the parents say. But 'I want to and I will', the teenager says. Some parents are not willing to give the kids any information on sex. For them it's something the kid will know only when they 'grow up'. Some do provide the info but in a roundabout manner. Telling them, but not letting them know what it actually is. Then there are those who have no problem with talking. They tell the kid everything with a very detached air, this is how it is and this is what shouldn't be done. Then they think 'Awww, come on, my kid would never do this'. When they do, the very same calm attitude disappears in a volley of accusations. The coke bottle is being shaken a bit too often. It will burst open. MESS! |
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Do
It Spesh Get Real
Rapping Go Global |
Sex is not something that has to be taught
to children. It is not something they learn about if they hear, read or see it. It is
already wired into their brain circuitry. They know, and have always known, about it. It
is when they start to show their curiosity that all hell breaks loose, for the parents,
the teachers, and other adults around them. 
The trouble starts when teenagers begin
to act on the things they have found out. They start to hide things. Hide the fact from
parents, teachers and other adults around them. This is because they have seen the people
around them being very secretive, treating the subject of sex as taboo-something the kids
should not know about. That it is wrong. So hiding it, is what they do. And they get
pleasure from hiding it. Doing the forbidden is what attracts them to it time and again.