Get Real

Age Does Matter!

By Payal Anand

She is absolutely gorgeous. He gets someone to introduce them and they start talking. He asks her what she does - she's in second year of college. She asks him - he has just appeared for his XIIth boards.

End of story, you assume. Not so. Instead, they exchange phone numbers, meet up the next day, and have been going around ever since.

Relationships in these liberated times have, thank God, dropped some of the excess baggage (read traditions) they have been carrying around for years. Today guys and girls, especially teens, are willing to flout convention if it means finding the right gf/bf. They believe that conventional considerations like age have little to do with the success of any relationship. But is that really true? Just what are the issues-and the rules-of the younger guy, older girl dating game? And do such relationships ever work?

CASH CLASH
Usually, when a guy and girl go out, they either go dutch or chivalry demands that the guy pays. Sometimes, the girl does. But what happens when the guy is younger? Maybe the girl, being older, has a larger allowance. Maybe she's even working. So, does she pay? Do they still go dutch? What if he hasn't any money?

Janani, 19, who went out with a 17-year-old guy for six months says money was one reason why they broke up. "He was great," she says, "I never felt that he was younger than me, we just felt like equals. But he was in school, and got limited pocket money, whereas I often took up summer jobs to earn more. When we went out with friends, to discs and stuff, all the guys would pay, and here I was, having to pay all the time. If I didn't have the money, we wouldn't go. It just got too much."

Janani insists that she doesn't have mindsets like guys should pay and girls should be provided for, but the one-sided nature of the relationship eventually got on her nerves.

The good news: It is possible to work around the cash clash, provided both partners keep their egos in check, because basically, that's what it is, an ego clash. Control that, and they could salvage the relationship.

PAST IMPERFECT, FUTURE TENSE...
She, by virtue of being a little older, may have experience of relationships. He, let's face it, is probably less experienced. This could-and often does-spell discord. Often, the younger guy resents his gfs past, partly out of possessiveness and partly because it highlights his own inexperience. If he gets hassled about this, it's likely to hassle her as well.

But there is a good side as well, at least for the guy. A guy in such a relationship doesn't have to worry about his gf wanting to know all about his exes, partly because she'll think that, being younger, he won't have had majorly serious relationships and partly because she's secure enough not to care.

STATUS OR NOTORIETY?
Let's face it, people will not have anything nice to say about such a relationship-they rarely do. Girls, especially, have a hard time of it, with comments ranging from the mildly sarcastic to the downright nasty. Ritika, 18, who had a boyfriend two years younger, can vouch for this. "It was amazing", she says, "people kept commenting that I was cradle snatching, and couldn't I find a guy my own age who liked me?"

Despite being initially unaffected by all the nastiness, she says that in the end, this was one reason why she broke up with an otherwise nice guy. "Although we did have some differences because of our age gap, we would probably have been able to work them out," she says. "But the constant jibes from people I knew really put a strain on me. In the end, I decided I'd rather find an equally nice guy who was also older."

Guys have it luckier. A guy in such a relationship is usually the object of much envy, curiosity and admiration, because he has done the impossible-attracted an older, more experienced girl. Obviously, he must be something special.

Well, if you're one of these lucky guys, you'll see this manifest itself in different ways. Girls you've known for a long time will start paying you more attention. Guy pals will suddenly become more, well, pally. You'll command a new respect, and enjoy a new status amongst your friends. Obviously, it's a boost to your self-esteem. But only as long as you realize that you should be liked because of who you are, not because of who you are with.

THE M FACTOR
Maturity. The single most important-and most frequently used-word you'll get to hear in and about your relationship.

Like it or not, there's no denying that girls do mature earlier than guys, which is one of the main reasons why the conventional age gap theory works. So, if you're older than your guy, you're sometimes likely to find him-and his actions-childish, immature and selfish. His immaturity can be reflected in many ways. This, you'll have to work out on your own. Like, he'll probably be majorly upset-and insecure-when you show interest in another (read older) guy. For him, it's an affirmation that you're basically into older guys, and he'll feel constantly threatened that you're going to dump him for one.

Agrees Ritika, "There was this classmate at college who I really got along with, and who was a good friend. But if I mentioned his name even twice in any conversation, my bf would say I was taking too much interest in him, and that all I did was talk about him. Finally, he admitted he thought that I had a lot more in common with that classmate and he was scared I'd rather be with him." Such insecurity can seriously undermine the relationship.

Then again, there's often an inability to relate on a day-to-day level. Like, when he's worried about board exams, he won't find her college fests major enough to get all excited about. But, having already crossed that important milestone herself, she might underrate its importance for him. This doesn't imply indifference or a lack of interest in each other's lives. It's just a case of his entering a stage that she outgrew a while ago. But it certainly increases the scope for conflict.

FRIENDS AS FOES!
One big, big cause for conflict in such relationship is friends. She's likely to find his friends too childish for her liking, even if she doesn't think he is. He, on the other hand, has to constantly try to be more grown-up in front of her friends, for fear of being called a baby. But having to act all the time won't strengthen the relationship.

There is a way around this. They should make sure they spend time together, but make a different time for friends. They don't have to do everything together.

WHEN EGOS CLASH!
Most guys (remember I'm saying most) expect to have a dominant role in a relationship. Blessed is the guy-or rather, the gf of the guy-who doesn't think so. But in a relationship where his ego and her experience meet, clashes are more than likely. Simple decisions like where to go for dinner or what film to see can become war zones. When 16-year-old Akshay first started seeing Neeti, 17, the minor difference in their ages didn't matter. But then trouble started. "She constantly kept telling me what to do, like because I was a year younger, I had a basic lack of commonsense or ability to make my own decisions. It irritated me.

I kept my cool, but I finally blew the day she called to tell me what to wear to a party that night."

This is a classic pattern in most such relationships. The girl thinks that the guy is irresponsible and so tries to assume charge. He thinks she's trying to run his life. What matters is not what the reality is, but what the other person perceives it to be. So, if she tells him what to do, she may just be concerned, but he thinks she's being domineering.

HERE TODAY, WHERE TOMORROW?
Say you've got past all these war zones in relative peace. You could still be in trouble, when it's time to talk about the future. Commitment is a dirty word to many guys, but when the gf is older, the conflict can really become major. Girls place a lot of emphasis on commitment, usually out of a sense of insecurity. But the trouble is that when she's ready for commitment, he may still want to be free. Commitment doesn't necessarily mean a pledge to get married, but many guys are unwilling to even commit to the thought of a future together, and this makes the girl more insecure about his motives.

So, if they're so much trouble, why do guys and girls get into such relationships in the first place?

Some say it's not a big deal, it's like any other relationship you get into, because you like each other.

And that's the thing to remember when the going gets tough. That you're in the relationship because you like each other and that there are things bigger than your age gap. After all, if there is such a thing as a conventional age gap, why not an unconventional one? Me, I personally have a thing for much older guys. But that's another story...