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Love
Letter R.I.P!! By
Vatsala Kaul
It's confirmed. The love letter, that
long pen-and-ink missive of amour, that epic declaration of cardiac arrest, that
unrepentant consumer of endless paper, is dead. Some lovelorn theories explain whatdunnit.
THE T-BONER
The tee has become a substitute love letter, with messages ranging from
the inviting "Yeh dil maange more" to (in progressively decreasing
typesize) "If you really want to know how much I love you, you will read the entire
message on my t-shirt which will leave you feeling elated because I am soon going to say
the three words you have been longing to hear: YOU STUPID FOOL! The
reason the tee has managed to beat the love letter to it is because you can change your
t-shirt whenever you change your mind without going through the traditional moves of
demanding your love letters back or getting blackmailed about atrocious spellings when
your ex-lover reveals the letters to your kids.
THE E-MAIL EXECUTIONER
 E-mail has deprived modern lovers of all the peptic ulcers
earlier lovemates used to nurture, while waiting endlessly for the postman to arrive and
for their parents to get out of the way when he did arrive. The outside of the envelope
which enclosed the love letter was as significantly embellished as the letter inside, the
number of staples, the metres of cellotape and the plethora of XXXs indicating
proportionally the true extent and depth of love thereof. Now, of course, all that has
been cast aside by the emergence of e-mail love which can be had, so to speak, with
strangers and friends alike, near or far, wherever you are. To save Net time, e-mail tends
to look like love notes rather than letters as in, 'u r 2 sweet to b 4 got 10' or like
kindergarten crayon experiments as in :-) :-* :-# or :-P :-O >:-[ The postman has been
made redundant in love, his job consisting of carrying dry business letters, bills and
suchlike back and forth.
THE ABBREVIATION ASSASSIN
It was fine while it was limited to abbreviating
names of places, like VT or CP. But when they started doing it to Hindi movie names, it
spelt doom for the Mahabharata of Mushiness. Now lovers write in open code as in this
example, which reads more like an organic chemistry equation rather than a body chemistry
situation.
My coochie-poochie pie Rahul,
Whenever I see you, KKHH. HAHK, you may ask.
Ask. I will say, PKKN.
I saw you APHG and now HAKDMRH.
U know, DKK... DTPH.
Whatever u say, HDDCS.
And the result is that instead of writing a love letter claiming such eternal love
that they will build a Taj Mahal, lovers write ILU ILU all over its walls.
THE CUT-THROAT CARD
I-love-you cards,
I-love-you-more-than-I-loved-the-gf/bf-before-you cards, I-love-you-more-than-the-a******
gf/bf-before-me cards, I-am-sorry-I-hurt-you cards,
I-repeat-I-am-sorry-I-hurt-you-are-you-deaf-or-what cards,
Please-stretch-this-rubberband-to-measure-my-love-for-you cards, Never-forget-me cards,
Never-forget-me-or-I'll-whack-you-on-the-head-with-a-paperweight-in-a-sock cards,
Please-forgive-me cards, Please-forgive-me-or-kill-me-I-swear-I-won't-tell-anyone cards,
I-would-have-written-you-a-letter-but-I-am-too-stupid/busy watching-TV-to-do-that cards,
Would-you-like-to-take-me-out-on-a-date cards,
Who-will-pay-if-I-ask-you-to-ask-me-to-take-me-out-on-a-date cards,
I-love-you-enough-to-buy-you-so-many-of-these-bloody-expensive-cards cards...
The prosecution rests.
THE FM STRANGLER
Messages, messages, messages, messages and more
messages mania. Love purists would call it shortwave, uh, shortcut love-mostly to
express undying love for the 'voice' of some sundry RJ, but also often to express love
between two regressive secret agents who don't know that both James Bond and the KGB are
kinda out of fashion: From Son Of A Millionaire to Elegant Lady; from Alice
In Wonderland to Sick Dagger, from 007 to Y2K... A love which has more to do
with eardrums than heartbeats, more to do with auditory canals rather than gondolas on
Venetian canals. The end result is the tragic end of the aforementioned and afore grieved
for love letter, which is signing off and will not be back, same time, same place...
 TELEPHONE
THE TERRIBLE
The advantages of instantaneous response are all
too obvious. No wonder, telephone calls have overtaken paper rolls inscribed with delayed
neurological reflexes even Pavlov wouldn't recognize. An example.
A: Hello.
B: Hi.
A: It's me.
B: I know... giggle.
A: What were you doing?
B: Nothing... giggle.
A: What were you doing?
B: Nothing...
A: I thought about you 354 times today.
B: Giggle. What did you think about me?
A: I thought about your, uh... eyes...
B: You thought about my eyes 354 times? What
are you, an eye donor agency?
A: You always make fun of my love. I'm
hanging up...
B: I'm soooo sorry, don't hang up,
pleeeeaaaaase.
A: See, I love you so much and you don't
care at all.
B: But I do, I do.
A: How much?
B: Lots.
A: How much? Tell me or I'll hang up...
B: Well, more than there are stars in the
sky, more than there are drops in the ocean, more than there are ticks in my dog... oops.
A: I love you.
B: I love you too.
A: I love you three.
B: I love you four.
A: I've got to go.
B: No, don't go.
A: I have to go.
B: If you go, I'll hang up.
A: No, don't hang up.
B: Then don't go.
A: I have to.
B: Hangs up.
THE MOVIE MURDERER
Remember those scenes where the hero sat in a
spotless white kurta-pyjama at a desk writing something on paper and crumpling sheet upon
sheet of paper until the waste-paper bin was full and the music rose to a crescendo as did
the heap of crumpled failed love letters? Remember those scenes where the heroine in a
tight churidar-pyjama and floating dupatta ran up and down a hillock holding sheafs of
paper (the aforementioned crumpled papers straightened and mailed to her) and then
suddenly losing them to the strong wind? If you remember, forget it. Now in movies, the
love letter has been replaced by 'supari', revenge, or life (all of which are given or
taken with higher frequency than love letters), a choreographed dance directed by
Farah/Saroj/Ahmad
Khan or a second hero who makes his appearance after more than half the film is over.
TIME
Time is not on the side of the love letter,
that's for sure. See how the classic lovers are all dead? Romeo-Juliet, Shiri-Farhad,
Laila-Majnu-all those guys and gals who made amorous history and who were written about in
books are all dead. They all died before they could write love letters. Even the guy on
the Titanic copped it. So what do you expect??? |
