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Late Bloomers

More and more elderly people are daring to break social constraints in search of companionship, reports INDIA TODAY's Namita Bhandare.

When Ashok Jaitly (Toni to friends), chief secretary to the Government of Jammu and Kashmir, tied the knot with public relations professional Sabina Mehta Sood on April 14, he joined a growing band of retired or almost-retired bureaucrats who have recently said, I do. Jaitly's marriage came close on the heels of his daughter Aditi's (from first wife Jaya Jaitly) who tied the knot with cricketer Ajay Jadeja.

While Jaitly maintains a stiff upper lip when it comes to commenting on his marriage, his friends divulge that the romance with Sood was recent. The relationship is supposed to have bloomed when her public relations firm, Integral PR, bagged the Kashmir account a little over two years ago. Sood was formerly married to Rakesh Sood, India's representative on disarmament in Geneva.

Setting aside the prurient interest on where they met and why they are marrying, Jaitly's marriage at 60 the age when traditionally men are supposed to be headed towards vanaprastha signals a bigger trend in urban Indian society where older men, including widowers and divorced, are breaking social restrictions in search of companionship.

Why should one remain single? asks 64-year-old H.K. Dua, the prime minister's press adviser and former editor of The Hindustan Times, who got married to Adity Syam, 58, through a registered ceremony in Kolkata last year. Dua admits that life is richer now. However, he hastens to add that his first marriage was equally fulfilling until it ended nine years ago with the death of his wife,
a sociology professor.

Both Syam and Dua have a child each from their previous marriages. Dua's son and daughter-in-law live in Delhi while Syam, who retired from ITC just before her marriage, has two grandchildren. And no, none of the children had a problem with the wedding. They're happy because we're happy, says Adity.

The trend of remarriages at a relatively later age is definitely on the upswing, says Manish Kaushal who runs the Sycorian Matrimonial Service in Delhi.While he refuses to reveal names, he claims to have at least 200 clients above the age of 45 with one even being a nonagenarian!

Increasing longevity the average life expectancy in India in 1981 was 54; now it's 62, higher among the affluent and better healthcare have resulted in growing numbers of elderly singles. Widows and widowers in their 50s and 60s face the prospect of several years of productive life spent alone.

There are several other factors: the break-up of the joint family and migration to cities and foreign countries. Or changing attitudes of a society fixated on youth and where it's no longer absurd to see youthful sexagenarians. Add to that the advent of drugs like Viagra and it's easy to understand the growing number of matrimonial classifieds inserted by people in their 50s, 60s and 70s.

Loneliness has no age bar, says Kaushal. In many cases, his older clients have been abandoned by their children, in others, the children have emigrated in search of jobs. But Kaushal is quick to add that he is often approached by people in search of a suitable spouse for their parents.

Sadly, life isn't always utopian. In many cases there's stiff resistance from children. There is a fear that the new entrant will lay a claim to the property and other assets, says B.R. Rao, a 75-year-old retired bureaucrat. Rao, who has advertised for a wife in a leading newspaper, says his 40-year-old daughter is dead set against his marrying again even though he has bequeathed a large portion of his property to her and her children. Her apprehensions and distrust led her to sacking his female cook. The result: Rao has to do the cooking himself now.
I had a very happy married life for 36 years but death parted us, says Rao who enjoys fairly good health, apart from marginal diabetes. I feel terribly lonely now and though I feel shy about it, there's a certain sexual frustration too. He faces a dilemma though: Rao has no hope of getting any support from his daughter and he doesn't know how to find a suitable life companion on his own.

A lot of the older men are looking for companionship but face social constraints, says N.L. Kumar, founder and director of Age-Care India. In fact, says Kumar, Helpage had begun a singles fellowship with the idea of bringing single men and women together. This, however, had to be disbanded since many elderly people felt the dating concept was too blatant and alien. However, he adds, many people continue to get involved with Age-Care specifically to meet peers. We arrange picnics, get-togethers and conferences, he says.

A few late-age marriages have something to do with a desire for self-expression. Most people go through the traditional arranged marriage, says Mira Desai who recently married a 62-year-old retiree. However, as you grow, you realise you really have nothing in common with the father of your children and a separation becomes inevitable.

However, unlike in the West where it is fairly common for older men to opt for much younger trophy wives US Ambassador to India Richard Celeste married his elder daughter's friend, Jacqueline Lundquist in India, the quest among older men seems directed towards peers with whom they can enjoy intellectual compatibility. Scanning the matrimonial columns of a daily newspaper revealed that none of the men over 45 was seeking a nymphet for a wife. All stated an openness to the idea of marrying widows or divorcees.

Not all late marriages have fairy-tale endings. Bharati Shah was well into her 50s when her husband died in an accident. Since she had no children, her brothers were concerned about her leading a lonely life and arranged a match with an NRI widower with two children. But it was disastrous from day one. The children would just not accept me. The son and daughter-in-law moved out of the house, refusing to have anything more to do with us, Shah says. Finally after a year of trying to bridge the gap, she gave up. Even he began resenting my presence and I thought it would be better for me to live alone and enjoy my freedom. Shah returned to India.

But for every sad ending, there seem to be several happier ones. Romesh Mehta had been living alone for several years after the death of his wife. Both his sons had settled abroad and he seemed to have found fulfillment in various social organisations he was involved with. Cupid, however, struck most unexpectedly when he found himself drawn to his landlady, an attractive divorcee in her 50s. They married even though their children were sceptical. Today they see how happy we are and they have accepted it, says Mehta.

After all, there's no arguing with love. It knows no barriers. Let the first, or second, or whatever, flush of romance attain permanency.

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